Yes, stay-at-home mom guilt is real. And if you’re a SAHM, you know this to be very true.
Mom guilt in general is a phenomenon. On one end, it’s not a diagnosable ailment that can be medically treated. However, it’s a real internal issue that most moms around the world can attest to experiencing at one point or another.
Moms tend to feel guilty about so many different things all the time. No matter what we do, how hard we work, or how loving our intentions are, we still find a way to make ourselves feel guilty for not doing better.
I know this because I’m the queen of stay-at-home mom guilt. I will go to the grocery store alone, leaving my children with their very capable father, and feel guilty if I’m there longer than an hour. Then I start rushing around to hurry and get back.
There are so many different examples and ways in which this mom guilt shows up for us stay-at-home moms. So in this post, we will talk about how we can fight back. How can we reclaim our peace and stop beating ourselves up all the time about everything? I don’t know about you, but I’m ready to stop these stay-at-home mom guilt trips in their tracks.
What is Mom Guilt?
Mom guilt is essentially feeling guilty about decisions that we’ve made that impact our children. It’s overthinking these decisions to the point that we feel inadequate. It’s feeling guilty for not making the better decision as a mom. It’s feeling like a bad mom because we didn’t choose the better option, we didn’t do enough, we should have worked harder, or we should have been more prepared, etc.
The thing is, mom guilt isn’t always a bad thing. Because there are genuinely times when we could have made a better parenting decision, or should have done something different for a better outcome. Feeling guilty about parenting mistakes is normal and a good thing. Having that mom sense and awareness to feel a little guilty helps us to be better moms and make better decisions the next time.
However, I think it’s safe to say that mom guilt tends to be a little irrational. Our feelings as humans are irrational and fleeting in general. We overthink things, we are sometimes overly sensitive, and when it comes to our children, we can become mama bears.
We don’t want our children to feel any sort of discomfort. So if we believe we’re the source of that discomfort, we put ourselves on the worst mom guilt trips. And it can become very unhealthy if we feel this way constantly.
Mom guilt essentially makes us feel massive levels of shame for not living up to certain expectations or standards. Sometimes those expectations are our own, sometimes they’re from others, and much of the time they are unrealistic.
Mom Guilt Psychology
So, what is the psychology behind this mom guilt phenomenon? What is causing moms to feel so much guilt about their parenting decisions?
Well, according to a licensed psychologist interviewed for Psych Central, this guilt can often stem from social comparisons. We are receiving all these messages about how we should parent all the time. So when we miss the mark, the shame pours in.
These comparisons can come from other parents, social media, and even well-intended medical experts.
Think about those wellness visits, especially in the early years. Your primary care physician will likely hand you a developmental pamphlet that basically tells you what to expect at this stage in your child’s life. These documents usually include suggestions on the things we should and shouldn’t be doing at each stage.
I don’t know about you, but these developmental pamphlets have been a source of stress for me at times. Although they are intended to help you ensure your child is healthy and progressing, they can often make you feel like you’re doing something wrong if your child is not hitting the marks.
Social media is another big one. Online parenting sites and blogs, although helpful, can also cause you to feel like a bad mom if you’re not meeting the standards listed on those sites.
Is Stay-at-Home Mom Guilt Different?
Stay-at-home mom guilt is essentially the same type of mom guilt, but this guilt shows up in other unique ways.
There is a certain stereotypical aesthetic that sometimes comes with being a full-time homemaker. There are certain expectations and standards that often come tethered with the life of a SAHM. So in addition to experiencing the usual mom guilt, we’re adding a whole other slew of things to be guilty about as full-time homemakers.
Stay-at-home mom guilt is mom guilt PLUS homemaker guilt. It’s feeling guilty about the parenting stuff, but also feeling guilty about things pertaining to the home. You have an extra sense of guilt because as a stay-at-home mom, you feel as if you should be more on top of it all. After all, isn’t that why you’re home?
You have more time than working moms, so why isn’t the house cleaner? You don’t work, so why aren’t your kids more well-behaved? Why don’t they know how to do this yet, aren’t you home to teach?
It can be a constant struggle to balance it all and not feel guilty when things don’t meet the stay-at-home mom standards.
Stay-at-Home Mom Guilt Examples
Let’s talk about some more examples of what stay-at-home mom guilt can look like.
- Feeling guilty that you’re not spending more quality time with your kids even though you’re home because you’re spending time cleaning and taking care of the home.
- Feeling guilty that the house isn’t spotless because you’re trying to balance spending quality time with the kids and taking care of the house as well.
- Feeling guilty that you don’t enjoy being a stay-at-home mom as much as you thought you would.
- Feeling guilty that maybe you’re doing your kids a disservice by keeping them home with you. Are they home with you too much? Should they be in daycare or preschool?
- Feeling guilty when you need time alone or a break because as a stay-at-home mom, you don’t work a 9 to 5, what do you need a break for?
- Feeling guilty for leaving them with your husband for an extended time because he works full time and should be resting.
- Feeling guilty that you’re even a stay-at-home mom at all; maybe you’re not showing your children a good example of a hard-working, independent woman.
- Feeling guilty that money is tight because if you had a real job, there would be more income to pull from.
This list can go on and on. But I think you get the picture.
How to Overcome Mom Guilt
I’ll be honest, I’m still trying to figure out how to get over mom guilt. As mothers, I think we have a natural tendency to overthink, overworry, and over plan for our kids because we want them happy. We want what’s best for them. And when we fall short, or at least when we feel as if we’ve fallen short, we beat ourselves up.
But I am learning to manage my stay-at-home mom guilt a little better each day. Here are 4 ways I tackle these stay-at-home mom guilt trips when they attack.
- Think it through first. You’ll likely come to realize that the reason you’re feeling guilty is probably silly or irrational. A lot of times we feel guilty over things that really don’t matter all that much.
- Even if you did make a poor parenting decision, you are human. You are not perfect, and you need to give yourself a break. You have a lot on your plate. Just aim to do better next time.
- Give yourself a pep talk. Talk yourself out of the irrational guilt. Look over the facts of the situation, and then move on. Stop it in its tracks.
- Stop the comparisons! A lot of mom guilt stems from comparing yourself to other moms. It’s time to stop doing this.
I doubt that this list will help you completely overcome mom guilt. But it can certainly help when you’re spiraling. Reminding yourself of the facts, rationalizing the situation, and taking a moment to put things into proper perspective will make all the difference. Even if you did make a parenting mistake, allowing yourself to spiral into a guilt trip doesn’t solve anything.
Does Mom Guilt Ever Go Away?
In the five years that I’ve been a stay-at-home mom, that nagging mom guilt has followed me around.
As mothers, we always worry about our kids. They can be perfectly sound asleep in their beds, but we’re checking to make sure they’re still breathing. They can be in the safest environment possible, and we still find a way to get nervous about potential risks.
It’s the same way with stay-at-home mom guilt. At every stage of parenting, and at every stage of your child’s life, there will be new things to feel guilty about. Their interests will change, they will get more involved with friends and extracurriculars. And all the while, your mom brain will creatively find reasons to throw you into a mom guilt trip.
So as long as we’re parents, I don’t think it ever goes away completely. But we can learn to manage it, stifle it, and overcome it moment by moment. Every time stay-at-home mom guilt slips in, you can use the steps listed above to get it under control before you spiral.
Because really, mom guilt of any kind is just a sign that you’re a good mom and that you love your children fiercely.
Mom Guilt as a Christian Stay-at-Home Mom
If you are a Christian stay-at-home mom, this section is for you. Being a Christian mother brings on special responsibilities to steward our children in the ways of the Lord. We know that we should be reading them the Bible, teaching them how to pray, leading them in praise and worship, and cultivating within them a heart for Christ.
But, life gets busy. We get caught up in the day-to-day responsibilities of being a SAHM, and forget to pray with them over their meals. We are on auto-pilot mode during the nighttime routine and forget to do our nightly prayers. And sometimes the day gets away from us so quickly, we forget to crack open the Bible with them.
Additionally, we have the Proverbs 31 woman, who was seemingly a perfect mother and homemaker. We try to live up to her standards, do what she did. We attempt to rise early (or feel guilty when we don’t). We try to consistently prepare perfect meals, serve those less fortunate, make sure the house is spotless (and fail often), manage the finances well, prepare for the unexpected, and the list goes on.
And when we fall short of all these expectations, we feel spiritually guilty, like we are not doing enough to serve our families from a spiritual perspective.
Well, I’m going to give you the solution summed up in one name: Jesus.
Do you remember the story of Mary and Martha? If not, you can read about it here. But in a nutshell, Martha was busy working to serve Jesus (cooking, cleaning, etc.). While Mary, her sister, was sitting at the feet of Jesus doing “nothing”. Martha got frustrated and told Jesus to make Mary help her. Instead, Jesus told Martha that Mary was doing the thing that mattered most. Lying at his feet and allowing Him to pour into her was most important.
When you get overwhelmed with all the stay-at-home mom and homemaking things, sit before His feet, and allow Him to pour into you. Jesus offers a joy that surpasses all understanding. Don’t underestimate the power of sitting still in His presence.
In Conclusion
All moms experience mom guilt to some degree. Working moms, military moms, adoptive moms, moms of toddlers, moms of teens, and moms of adults. Each mom type has its own special reason for feeling guilty.
But in essence, it all boils down to this. We are all just moms trying to do the best for our children. And when we feel like their getting anything short of the best, we take the blame on ourselves.
Are you still wondering how to let go of mom guilt? Well, I’ll close with this. Since it seems like mom guilt will be with us for as long as we’re mothers, let’s learn to manage it while also embracing it as a reminder. A reminder that our care and devotion are proof that we are good moms. We all know there are actual bad moms in the world who really can care less. And your mom guilt is evidence that you are not in that bracket.