This post is for the stay-at-home mom losing identity in motherhood, or at least the mom who feels like she is losing her identity in motherhood. And just a heads up, I’m essentially going to tell you that you are not losing your identity, not even close.
We typically ask the question “So, what do you do?” when we’re first getting to know someone. That is usually one of the first questions asked in the early conversations of a new friendship. It’s as if the answer to that question defines the most important part of who you are.
Because usually when people ask this question, they want to know what kind of work you do; what your profession is.
Well, stay-at-home moms don’t have professions, not in the traditional sense anyway. So, what does that mean for us?
When answering with “I stay home with the kids”, it can feel like you somehow don’t measure up.
Well, I want to remind you that your identity is not defined by your career. And your value is certainly not defined by your job, or lack of one.
To the Stay-at-Home Mom Losing Her Identity
In today’s world, we place such a high value on furthering our education, climbing the corporate ladder, finding just the right career, and earning the big bucks.
So when these are the values of a society, where do SAHMs fit in?
All of us stay-at-home moms don’t have the time to further our education. We obviously aren’t climbing the corporate ladder. And we’ve likely put any career goals and plans to make big money on the back burner.
So what does that mean for us? Do we lose our value in the world? Do we no longer have an identity outside of being a mom?
Now, don’t get me wrong. Furthering your education and trying to grow in your career are good things.
But they are not the only good things that a person can go after in life.
Loving on our families, providing stability and being present for our children, and building a home worth living in are all very important jobs.
They are just as important as careers. In fact, I will get myself in trouble here and dare to say they are more important.
This isn’t a competition. And I don’t mean to make it out to be one.
However, the way I see it, at the end of the day for every career oriented person climbing the ladder to corporate and financial success, where do they have to go when the business hours are over? They go home.
We all have to go home at the end of the day.
So, what are we going home to?
Home is the core of everything. Family is the core of everything.
So yes, money is needed to live. Financial growth and business success are all great things and can add to the happiness of a family.
But the core will always be home and family.
So, to the stay-at-home mom losing identity, your role as a SAHM matter. It matters a whole lot. It matters just as much, if not more, than a job making 6 figures. And it may feel like you’re losing yourself, but in reality, your identity is not lost.
Because at home, you’re giving your children love, attention, and care. You are teaching them, caring for their basic needs, which they literally cannot do for themselves. You are providing them with comfort, and routine.
You just can’t beat that.
Careers will always be there. Ladders will still be there to climb, and there are so many ways to make money. But children will only be children for a short time.
So, if you’re a SAHM who has given up your career goals and maybe you’re feeling like you made a mistake, know that it is okay to choose family over career.
You have not forfeited your identity. And you have not handed in your value card. You have not given up on yourself. And you have not somehow chosen a lesser life.
Stay-at-Home Mom Losing Identity After Quitting a Job She Loved
If your career is something that matters to you in this season and it’s been difficult for you to let it go, then I applaud you because you have made a sacrifice for a very great cause.
You have replicated the work that Christ did when he was here. Sacrifice. And that is worth everything.
And it may feel like you’re losing your identity in motherhood, but let’s pause here for a second. Is that really a bad thing? Is it really so bad to be mom to your kids? Is it really so bad that one of your primary roles right now is to be your kids’ biggest cheerleader?
However, the truth is, you’re not losing your identity in motherhood, you’re expanding your identity. You’ve simply shifted your focus in life, and your identity has shifted a bit with it. Your identity is not lost, it’s just growing, and changing.
And you have to remember that this is just for a season. If working a job is important to you, you can always return to work at the right time in life. If you loved your job or career, you don’t have to give it up forever.
But you decided to quit work for a reason. So use the time you are home now to love on your kids because work will return soon enough if that is your goal.
Why Do Moms Lose Their Identity?
There are a few reasons stay-at-home moms start to feel like they’re losing their identity. Here are five reasons that contribute to this feeling of lost identity as a mom:
- Misplacing our identity in our career or job.
We’ve talked about this one already. But if you are used to defining who you are and what you’re worth by what you do during your 9 to 5, then it can be easy to wrongfully feel like you’ve given up your identity.
- Not making time for ourselves.
As a stay-at-home mom, you know all too well how difficult it can be to find the time to simply shower, or brush your teeth, let alone read a good book! But we have to make the time for ourselves, because when we don’t, it starts to feel as if we don’t matter. Our days are filled with doing things only for everyone else, and never anything for ourselves. Sacrifice is good. But we are human and need to replenish as well.
- Not truly understanding the value of being a stay-at-home mom.
I think one of my issues in the beginning was not fully recognizing the value of being a SAHM. I knew the reasons on paper, and that’s why I quit work. But, FEELING them was a different thing. It still FELT like I wasn’t doing enough to contribute to society. So, it was hard to feel like my identity as a stay-at-home mom was enough. Additionally, caring too much about what others thought about me being a SAHM didn’t help this at all.
- Not recognizing that being a mom is a job in itself.
Being a mom is a job! Being a SAHM is a job + a side gig! You’re on duty 24/7, with barely a break. And when you do take a break…mom guilt. If we could just recognize that being a SAHM all on its own is a full-time job, it’d be so much easier to be okay with the stay-at-home mom identity.
- Not recognizing that your true identity is in Christ.
And for those of us who are Bible believers, we know that our true identity is in Christ. More on that below. But, when we realize that only God can truly define us, not man, then no one or nothing can steal our identity.
Why is it Important to Know Your Identity in Christ?
If you’re a born again Christian, you know that when Christ was raised from the dead, so were we. So we’ve basically been given a new identity in Christ; an opportunity to be better because we have been freed from the shackles of sin.
That’s an amazing gift from the almighty Creator.
God created you. And God gave you Jesus to set you free, leaving you the Holy Spirit to help you choose good in this life.
He did all that for you before you were even born. He didn’t need you to have some fancy career first. Before you were formed in the womb, He knew you.
You had an identity BEFORE you were even made flesh.
Your first identity is a child of God.
And that’s an identity that you cannot lose.
It’s important to remember this truth in those moments when you’re feeling down or discouraged about your purpose in life now that you’re a SAHM. God created you. You were brought into this world alone and will leave it alone. So YOU have an identity outside of your kids.
Why Choosing Motherhood Over Career Can Be Difficult
Choosing motherhood over a career is still a good thing. Despite the world telling us that we should be driven, independent women who make their own money, it is a good thing! Someone has to watch the kids, why not their own mother?
And, although it can be a sacrifice for some, it doesn’t have to be. If you look at your new life as a SAHM as a blessing, an opportunity, as something to gain instead of focusing on what was loss, it can truly bring you joy.
However, I won’t completely deny that letting go of years of hard work, promotions, education, etc., can be difficult.
And it’s difficult because you take pride in your hard work and value how far you’ve come. There’s nothing wrong with that.
But, the key is not to chain your identity, worth, and value to it. Choosing motherhood over career can be a next stage in life, but doesn’t need to be the final stage. And the motherhood stage is a pretty darn good stage.
Plus, with the way technology is developing, there are so many creative ways to create businesses and find ways to continue your work. Blogging, for example, which is what I do.
Choosing motherhood over career can be hard because we are giving up all the years of hard work and dedication, and seemingly throwing it out the window. But it’s made harder when we tie our identity to those careers.
Sever the chain that links your identity to your career. And cherish the years of hard work you put into your job, knowing that opportunities will be there when you’re ready to return. It’s your decision on how long you want to be a SAHM.
Who am I Besides a Mother?
But, who am I besides a mother? That’s something you might be asking yourself. You’ve quit your job, and feeling pretty good about the decision, but “who am I outside of motherhood?”
That’s a big fear. We as moms, especially SAHMs, feel like that’s all we are. Even if we recognize the value of our hard work and understand the importance of being a SAHM, there is still that part that questions, but isn’t there more to me?
Well, of course there is!
Being a mom is awesome!
But, the truth is that one day the kids will grow up, move out, and have their own lives.
So it’s natural for us to want to make sure we have something left of ourselves outside of motherhood.
And that’s totally fine. This post is not discourage you from pouring into your own cup. Only to encourage you to shift your mindset to view your SAHM season positively.
One thing I say to myself often is that I was born into this world alone and will leave it alone. I didn’t come into the world with a baby on my hip. And when my soul leaves my body, it will be alone.
My point is that God designed you as a solo creature. And God designed it so that our kids grow up and leave us. Which means…you have a purpose outside of raising kids. Losing identity in motherhood was never God’s plan for women.
I mean, it’s not like we just suddenly disappear the moment our kids leave the nest. And what about women who aren’t able to have children? Does God not have a purpose for them? Of course, He does.
In Conclusion
Choosing motherhood over career is still a wonderful thing to do. And it does not mean you have to lose your identity.
Your identity may be changing and expanding, but it is not lost. Your role at home is so important because home and family are the core of everything we do in life.
God intended for you to have an identity before you had kids and intends the same after they are grown and gone.
So, if you’ve been having a motherhood identity crisis, please be encouraged. Remember not to chain your identity to a career and embrace your season at home.
Another great post on this topic is from A Mother Far From Home. She also shares some reasons moms feel like they are losing their identity, and how to get it back. I encourage you to hop on over there and read it.
You are welcome to download your free “Who Defines Your Identity?” devotional below! No email is required. And don’t forget to visit the Free Resources page on your way out!
